she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
