I think my vagina is haunted
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
