omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
