it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
