We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize