in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
