your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Welp...herpes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
