I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
