I hope mine doesn't look like that
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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