Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
