The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
