New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize