I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
