You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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