u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You are the jesus of drinking
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
