woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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