You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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