Dude my mom stole all your condoms
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
