How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
