im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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