I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
