I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I want to be your penis for a week.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
