he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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