For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's shark week go big or go home
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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