This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize