you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
