Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
