I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
