Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
