Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
