A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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