idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
