exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
People in love make me want to vomit
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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