i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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