It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
