i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
