Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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