Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
