I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
