Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
