heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Congratulations! We have a period
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
