Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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