thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
