All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
