I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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