my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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