How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize