The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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