Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
