Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
