i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
