My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
