I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
