you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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