Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
