please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The best revenge is premature balding
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
