Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
