R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
