okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
