Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
