There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
