Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
