Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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