dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
