also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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