i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
